Upon seeing this video posted by Cinemassacre on their Youtube channel, it just piqued my interest (given that summer – peak beach season – is fast approaching in my corner of the world)!!! Just why does every other b-movie company churn out shark movies – to drive the point home, shitty shark movies (just loves the way it rolls out of the tongue…)?
In order to investigate, one has to become the shark…in order to see things from their standpoint.
1. Sharks just don’t get “no respect”
Alas, Jabberjaw, you had to deal with the way your flesh-and-blood kin get called “son-of-a-bitch”, fired upon with shotguns and prodded by harpoons in countless Hollywood b-movie treatments.
2. Sharks come in many shapes and forms, but they have an unstoppable hard-on for snacking on humans
- Tired of the ol’ great white? Well, you got extinct varieties going all Jurassic Park on modern-day beaches…not to mention such biological improbabilities such as the “Sharktopus” – half shark, half octopus!!!
3. Sharks, sharks everywhere
- Today’s breed of sharks aren’t just content with stalking their (foolish) human prey on the water – nooo, sirreeee!!! These days, neither sand nor snow can stop these sons-of-bitches from getting their gore on. Which brings us to…
4. You’ll believe a shark can fly
- …sharks with psycho-stalker tendencies!!! Sharks that can roar like lions (nice try doing that in the water!!!) Not to mention get airborne like organic ICBMs to attack passenger jets and Los Angeles commuters!!!
5. There’s no shortage of willing bait
- If that’s any consolation, shark films don’t just offer gore (for the gore-hounds in the audience) but also loads of boobs and (sun-tanned) bums for the two-legged suckers renting them on DVD or on Netflix. One cannot help if there’s always a gratuitous beach party sequence which – in shark-ese – translates as “all-you-can-eat buffet”
This shark has gone to the point that I paraphrase Samuel L. Jackson (who has dealt with my own kind in Deep Blue Sea) “Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfuckin’ b-movie hacks stinkin’ up this motherfuckin’ beach! Everyone bare teeth – I’m about to chomp down on some fuckin’ bimbos!!!”