Review: Zootopia

 

Scene:  Unnamed boardroom

(Camera pans onto an assembly of representatives from different animal species)

Lion:  Ladies and gentle-creatures, (lets out a loud ROAR!!!) I hereby call this meeting to discuss the most recent offering from the hairless apes over  at Disney, “Zootopia”.

Elephant: (enthusiastically)  As of last report (hoooorngggk) it has grossed more than $400 million globally…it is expected to put Frozen (hoooorngggk) on ice (hoooorngggk) with a projected cume of $900 million (hoooorngggkkkkkk)!!!

Panda:  China FTW!!!

Rabbit:  (munching on carrot) gotta love Judy Hopps’ drive and spunk…she should teach those two-legged hairless apes the value of determination and not letting limitations stop you from achieving your goals

Beaver:  the film is a triumph of production design, with cars, public transport and infrastructure custom-built for different animal sizes

Elephant: loved that scene in the ice-cream parlour where Nick Wilde’s partner disclosed to Judy that he wanted to be one “like me”

Rabbit:  same goes for the chase scene in Little Rodentia – talk about an awkward parkour moment!!!

Ram: or any scene involving Gazelle – she sure is hawwwt

(tap on door; a crocodile and his assistant – a heron – walk in, followed by a gorilla carrying a fishbowl where a goldfish can be seen swimming)

Lion:  Not for tooting my own horn here (casts awkward glance at Elephant) but one cannot help but observe how the premise of Zootopia is being able to work together and look aside one’s own prejudices.  Judy’s carrot-farmer parents initially dissuade her from pursuing her cop dreams in fear of her being “eaten up” by the predators.  Once in the big city, she finds herself demoted to parking duty until she gets wind of this “missing animals” case, where she winds up teaming with a typically wily fox con artist

Panda:  Have you noticed, though, how odd the animals looked in the “naturist” resort…don’t see no dangly-bits or  flesh-lips from these creatures inside

Rabbit:  Any further attempts at anatomical accuracy would give this an R-18 rating…

Elephant:  Well, it worked for Deadpool!!!

Ram:  It’s Disney, hose-nose!!!  They LIVE on the family market – those brats snapping up all those Happy Meals and other made-in-China shit

Panda: I strongly resent that statement, horn-head!!!  You know that I have 6 uncles, 8 aunts and 273 cousins working in these factories turning out bric-a-brac for the major Hollywood studios to flog during the summer movie season

Crocodile:  (preening) It would be nice to see myself as the new Mayor of Zootopia…

Beaver: Or even a rival pop star for Gazelle named Justin –

Ram: (butts in, crossly)  Baaaaah, we know the joke already

Goldfish:  (glub glub) are we not considered animals also?

Rabbit: (holds tablet screen forward, where a stern visage of the Selachii rep glares from the Seape app)

Shark: (gnashes teeth) we have suffered long enough from being constantly feared as man-eaters…we now demand respect!!!

(cue glass tapping, a dolphin comes in view on Seape)

Dolphin: (bubble bubble) we are one of the smartest non-human species yet we decry the absence of aquatic creatures of any form in this film

Octopus:  (on screen) Yeah, right…(glub glub) we are demandin’ that we be included in any projected sequels

Crocodile: I agree with Jaws here, we are among the apex land-based predators in the animal kingdom…if there’s one thing these furries gotta fear, its us!!!

Heron:  On behalf of my swamp-bound friends, the frogs, they likewise felt slighted from the total lack of representation among their specie…you can say it’s short-sightedness on the part of Zootopia’s planners, who did not include a swampland subdivision in the film

Crocodile: Hey, they already threw in a rain-forest, though….

Gorilla:  Where are all the simians?  I detest the absence of primates in this film…I don’t even see a chimpanzee!!!

(another tap on the door; the barnyard contingent arrives – a pig, cow and chicken)

Pig:  (snorts) sorry we’re late – farm-to-market road traffic was KIL-LERRR!!!  (snorts again)  Say, Mr. Lion, are you talkin’ about Zootropolis?

Rabbit:  You mean Zootopia?

Ram:  (sotto voce) baaah, must be one of these European breeds

Pig: (snorts) don’cha think we feel rather underrepresented in this film?

Cow: (moos in accord)

Gorilla: (angrily) Whaaat – and lose the lucrative Indian and Middle Eastern markets???

(yet another tap on the door, which then flings open for a kangaroo to leap in, narrowly upsetting the table and rattling the assembled creatures)

Kangaroo: (embarassed) oops, gotta get used to modulating my movements in th’ city…I felt slighted that my particular specie was left out of this here film.  No offence, though, but my late cousin Jack didn’t do us any favours representin’ our kind well…since he fell in with a really really bad crowd

Cow:  then how do you explain your appearance in George Of The Jungle 2?!?

Chicken: there WAS a George Of The Jungle 2???

Kangaroo: needed the money though…they were practically shooting in me own backyard

(a loud crash happens and the boardroom shakes as half of a shark’s body pops out of the ceiling.  Dust and tile bits rain down on the assembled animals, particularly annoying the Goldfish)

Shark:  See what the SyFy Channel did to us…no thanks to their crappy movies, we are forced to pull of stunts that we can never even THINK of doing!!!  What shark in his right frickin’ mind would leap up and attack an airborne jet???  Aren’t we just content with lurking on beaches and making lunch out of bikini-clad swimmer babes???

Rabbit:  Looks like you may have hitched a ride on the…

Shark: I know, I know…enough is enough!!!   I have HAD it with these MOTHERFUCKIN’ jokes about that MOTHERFUCKIN’ franchise!!!!

Ram:  These corny jokes don’t seem to stop…at least the makers of Zootopia had some restraint unlike that “ogre” movie set in a city “far far away

Shark: (gives a panoramic look at the assembled animals *VFX cue: dissolve images of animals to stock shots of steaks and cold cuts – in the case of the Goldfish, replace with a serving of sushi*) Damn, that unexpected flight must have worked up my appetite!!!

Rabbit: (blushing) never knew you had a poetic streak in you….

(cue panoramic shot of the animals screaming and attempting to flee in terror as the shark attempts to consume them one by one *SFX cue: indistinct screams, bones crunching and teeth ripping flesh and joints apart)

Lion: (produces a small bottle of antacid, opens it, then pops one in mouth as he stealthily exits the wrecked boardroom) (sotto voce) meeting adjourned…makes me miss the peace and tranquility of the jungle

 

 

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